Taking One Day at A Time

It’s funny how sometimes people say exactly what you need them to. A midst this whole talking to the stupid guy again I had my dad say something that really made me rethink even speaking to the idiot all over again. First off the guy decided to in great detail tell me how gorgeous he thinks I am and how I had basically ruined his life because he never could get me….and then when I tried to set up actually meeting with him he is nowhere to be found! He makes me out to be some clingy psycho! A couple unanswered text messages later and I told him I was done with all of the bullshit that goes a long with him. And there goes his final chance. At least he can never pin on me that I didn’t try.

 Anyway, so I’m driving home with my dad and somehow we get talking about people and how I’ve basically given up on them. I truly have. I’ve started to accept and even allow people that I don’t necessarily agree with around me. My dad honestly got mad. He told me that he didn’t want me to start being a push over and just taking what I can get. He told me to never settle. It’s funny when people start saying things that are so congruent with your own life. He knows nothing about what is happening in my other life yet he knows just what to say to clear up any worries I have.

I’m working on having a better attitude regarding my return to school. I’m not there yet but I’m certainly working on it.  Sometimes you just have to take one day at a time. J

A Screw Must Be Loose

I’m starting to feel crazy. The sudden pressure of reality is making my brain feel like it’s caving in. I’m supposed to return to school this coming weekend (fml) and then the following weekend be ready to compete for my college team. This sounds pretty neat except the fact that I’m taking O-Chem on top of attempting to qualify for nationals again and maintaining a high enough gpa to apply for grad school. Oh, and just plain passing O-chem would be nice too! I haven’t  packed, haven’t even allowed myself to think about packing because I just want to cry when I start. I hate school, I hate my college campus, I hate the college town I live in, and I hate the back stabbing, egocentric, liars for people that fill the town. So, I’m supposed to put a smile on my face and jump face first into a pit of vipers. Hooray!!!!!

I feel as if my home town and specifically my family are like a therapy center. I come in all jacked up on life, saying obscenities under my breath (and many times a loud), scantily clad and hating the world. Then a few short months later I leave smiling and singing with the birds around me (queue the scene with Pocahontas). I’m an incredibly independent soul but there is something about their lifestyle and lack of judgment that allows me to return to the calm individual I generally am. I don’t want to lose the me that I have finally (FINALLY!!!) rediscovered via this three month escape from reality but, I know that I can no longer prolong this awesome retreat I’ve taken. I guess I’ll just have to let life smack me in the face and then run me over a few times (Of course with a smile on my face, because showing weakness is something that I’ve never been okay with).

It seems like I can never escape the drama that is “Big Red Boy” either. After he had apologized to me I decided that maybe he deserved a second chance, at least as a friend. Well two days later I learned a lot about what had actually happened to us….ends up we both felt dejected and rejected in regards to one another, but we both still had a thing for each other. I of course did not fully disclose this because deep down I know he is still the idiot that I wrote off sometime ago. Why get all emotionally attached? Uhh, I’m not. Plus, does it sound like I am going to have the time? But, nonetheless I am meeting him the day I return to maybe rekindle some sense of okay-ness (that’s right I made that word up) between each other.  I’m not even sure that I know why I’m doing this. I already know it is going to be a huge failure….but maybe just maybe I can admit sometimes I don’t mind the company. Maybe I enjoy being kissed. GASP! Or, here is a stretch held...wait it gets better...desired?

Hopefully next post I'm thinking a little clearer. I can only hope :)

dick check please?

Well I was going to write a wonderfully awesome blog about how my life is full of gum drops and care bears, oh and smiles but a family blow out is cool too. I seriously have had the most awesome week, I’ve had people in great distress say some of the most powerful and impressionable things to me, and I’ve taken some time to glance at the stars, take a deep breath, and lean back while proudly gazing at the gargantuan windmill that rests on my parents property. Sometimes the oddest things make me grin.

BUT, of course I couldn’t just enjoy myself. Nope I walked in the door to find my mother and brother in a blazing argument again over my brother’s attitude. Hello God Complex! No shit, I mean it he is incredibly rude to just about everyone but most of all his family. It’s hard to believe that he even was upset that I was ever moving away because it sure seems like he hates me now….well the feeling is becoming incredibly mutual. I swear if I hear, “go back to college” one more time a frying pan is going to go sailing through the air at him. I’m an incredibly calm and easy going person too. My parents actually asked me to take him around my college town because they were thinking of having him live with me, two days with the new ass hole that has invaded his body and I was sure I was going to find a way to drop out of school so there was no reason for me to return there.

Did I ever mention that I hate teenagers….Seriously there are far more important things in life than you, I swear that the world does not revolve around your dumb ass problems. I’m hoping that one day he may wake up and realize this, time will tell (keep your fingers crossed for me too!)

The thing that I most of all don’t understand about some people is their reasoning behind throwing out statements that 100% destroy the other person. Umm dick check please? Yup, he has managed to completely tear down my mom…and then walks back into the house like nothing ever happened. Whoa, uhh crazy shit just went down for a three hours…wait maybe it didn’t? Am I insane?