Well it all began when I was driving home from my fabulous vacation. I received a message from the very boy (I meant boy…the emotional immaturity is astounding) that inspired the “Big Red” post. He out of the blue decided to text me and let me know how sorry he was for being such a dick and that he thought I was and I quote, “an exceptional woman”. (god I hate liars, especially when they lie just to puff the other person up when they only plan to tear them down….uhh waste of time much?) I told him all about how I had accepted an earlier apology that he had given me and that I had moved on…all of which is entirely true. Then I decided to ask him what had really happened between us, because unfortunately it is a part of my (epic fail of a) history. Shockingly he had quite the insight and covered all the aspects of his immaturity and carelessness. Hmm wow I think a chimp could have picked up on that but none the less I’ll accept his sudden insight into himself. The only thing worth hearing was that he couldn’t handle that I had never believed him, which is entirely true. I challenged everything he said because I was sure it was a lie (a lot of it was but I never did give him any break either). I of course covered how he lived two separate lives and with someone that does that how could I believe anything. We parted ways once again with me admitting my defeat in the whole situation because I got tired of trying to figure out who he really is, which I’m certain he is not aware of any way.
Traveling right along, then I went to lunch with my brother and (Surprise!) my sister that I haven’t seen in a year and a half. The relationship between my sister and I is a rather tense, strained, etc. relationship that I broke off just like the previous tale. A year ago I confronted her (which is not my style because I’m the largest pansy on the planet) and told her about how I knew exactly what she was, a drug addict. I cut her out of my life just like the itchy, irritating tag on a brand new shirt. The worst part was I never and still don’t feel bad about it. She always envied and disliked me and I thought she was a ruthless, egocentric, barbarian of a sibling ……so it goes.
I’ve had a very hard time even accepting she is my sibling after I had to pick up my destroyed parents, a job that should not but often is left on the next oldest child. The worst part of this whole ordeal was that while I went home and nursed my parents back to health I passed her everyday at my high school (because she worked there) not being acknowledged once. Bitch Please!
Anyway, so here we are eating together in this nasty diner with her permanently infantized (that’s right I just made that word up, just roll with it) boyfriend and I’m struggling to find anything to talk to her about. I felt like I had taken some random homeless person of the street and said, “Hey come in and have something to eat.” See but I wouldn’t have intense and deeply driven rage towards a homeless person so I’m sure that would have been easier. I’m such a horrible person but as I swirled the fries around on my plate the only thing I could look at on her were her grotesque teeth and full on uni-brow. I’m generally attempting humor when I blog but, (surprise!) here I’m not so hear me out. I had this rush of sadness that overwhelmed me for the rest of the evening. My sibling was falling apart before my very eyes. She looked pale, unkept, just like she were coming off a long run of being on something. The worst part was when she finally decided to get up from the table and expose what little is left of her. Bones jut out everywhere like the images of eating disorder victims that fill all of those documentaries they made you watch in high school. I felt like crying right there on the spot but still couldn’t embrace her because of a previous incident where she completely and publicly disowned my family.
I know I should grow up and make good with her while it looks like she is still around (even if it may be a partially drug induced relationship) but it hit me while I looked at her she actually was happy exactly where she is at. Who am I to question or judge what makes her happy? The strongest feeling hit me came as we hugged, her jagged hips against my healthy frame, was that I had written her off not to be done with her because it was an annoying relationship rather I did it for myself. As selfish as it sounds I don’t want a “real” relationship with her because she’s on the fast track to dying. I also don’t want to jam a relationship down her throat when she hates me to begin with….although we all know that’s a cover up. I cut her off and will continue to cut her off because I already know that when she finally falls completely apart or dies I’ll be the one helping everyone else through it. Something I don’t entirely enjoy but handle well. I can’t let myself really love someone that I can already tell I’ll need to console everyone else over…..which I’m sure makes no sense to anyone so sorry about the blabbering.
Any way it was an interesting last couple of days that had me wondering why it is that I find myself cutting people off to begin with. I also had a far deeper understanding of why I was drawn to the earlier mentioned male, it was an attempt to replicate but save someone from a similar life as my own sibling. Twisted I’m aware….both ended up being total failures on my part and do keep me up at night. I swear I didn’t sign on for this.
