I’m starting to feel crazy. The sudden pressure of reality is making my brain feel like it’s caving in. I’m supposed to return to school this coming weekend (fml) and then the following weekend be ready to compete for my college team. This sounds pretty neat except the fact that I’m taking O-Chem on top of attempting to qualify for nationals again and maintaining a high enough gpa to apply for grad school. Oh, and just plain passing O-chem would be nice too! I haven’t packed, haven’t even allowed myself to think about packing because I just want to cry when I start. I hate school, I hate my college campus, I hate the college town I live in, and I hate the back stabbing, egocentric, liars for people that fill the town. So, I’m supposed to put a smile on my face and jump face first into a pit of vipers. Hooray!!!!!
I feel as if my home town and specifically my family are like a therapy center. I come in all jacked up on life, saying obscenities under my breath (and many times a loud), scantily clad and hating the world. Then a few short months later I leave smiling and singing with the birds around me (queue the scene with Pocahontas). I’m an incredibly independent soul but there is something about their lifestyle and lack of judgment that allows me to return to the calm individual I generally am. I don’t want to lose the me that I have finally (FINALLY!!!) rediscovered via this three month escape from reality but, I know that I can no longer prolong this awesome retreat I’ve taken. I guess I’ll just have to let life smack me in the face and then run me over a few times (Of course with a smile on my face, because showing weakness is something that I’ve never been okay with).
It seems like I can never escape the drama that is “Big Red Boy” either. After he had apologized to me I decided that maybe he deserved a second chance, at least as a friend. Well two days later I learned a lot about what had actually happened to us….ends up we both felt dejected and rejected in regards to one another, but we both still had a thing for each other. I of course did not fully disclose this because deep down I know he is still the idiot that I wrote off sometime ago. Why get all emotionally attached? Uhh, I’m not. Plus, does it sound like I am going to have the time? But, nonetheless I am meeting him the day I return to maybe rekindle some sense of okay-ness (that’s right I made that word up) between each other. I’m not even sure that I know why I’m doing this. I already know it is going to be a huge failure….but maybe just maybe I can admit sometimes I don’t mind the company. Maybe I enjoy being kissed. GASP! Or, here is a stretch held...wait it gets better...desired?
Hopefully next post I'm thinking a little clearer. I can only hope :)
No comments:
Post a Comment