I’ve never been happier to let go of the past and see the
future for all of its potential glory. Sometimes as completely idiotic human beings
we put ourselves through unnecessary physical and emotional anguish, finding
ourselves angry and distraught at our sheer stupidity. Chanting incessantly “I’m
better than this”, “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, and the like. It often takes years to learn why these
experiences took place and what we learned from them. I appreciate my stupidity
even if it has caused months of internally directed rage and disappointment.
I’ve never been a supporter of organized religion but my
internal turmoil finally reached a head this last Sunday. I found myself
needing to be surrounded by others that were working on being better people
even if I didn’t inherently agree with their true intentions. I hoped that this
trying would soak into me like osmosis. It didn’t matter what religious
organization I shared my day with I just needed to hear singing and sit in pews
that resembled those that I spent Christmas mass with classmates from my
catholic elementary school. Each of us draped in plaid skirts, knee high socks,
and bright intrigued eyes. So I went. I sat in the pews and colored an Anatomy
coloring book like the true nerd that I am. While the congregation swelled with
song I felt an overwhelming feeling that it was okay to forgive myself for past
transgressions. It wasn’t helping me enjoy day to day life.
While angry glares were cast my way during the multiple
prayers, I stood….well sat my ground. I had every right to be there and color. I’m
human. Making errors or poor decisions shape each and every one of us. Multiple Native American cultures deliberately
sew an opening into complicated patterns in rugs and quilts for a spirit to be
able to escape, something other cultures have thought were blatant mistakes. I
find them to be a beautiful symbolism of man’s imperfection. Another example is
the stated in the humorous film “Zoolander” where they say that model means misshapen
ball of clay. Although meant to be completely hilarious….as it is I still think
that we are just that, a misshapen, idiotic, impulsive, and often rude species.
I don’t care either. I’m happy just the way I am even if I’ve done things that
I was sure I wanted to take back. Time has a silly effect on softening how
horrible we thought previous experiences were.
The last couple months have also aided in my deleting the
horoscope app on my phone. Which is silly in itself, I never believed that crap
but I began to become dependent on seeing if it matched with daily happenings.
Stupid, I’m well aware. I’m ready to go wherever I feel my successful and
potentially mistake prone road may lead me, even if I’m all by myself.
