Model Idiot

I’ve never been happier to let go of the past and see the future for all of its potential glory. Sometimes as completely idiotic human beings we put ourselves through unnecessary physical and emotional anguish, finding ourselves angry and distraught at our sheer stupidity. Chanting incessantly “I’m better than this”, “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, and the like.  It often takes years to learn why these experiences took place and what we learned from them. I appreciate my stupidity even if it has caused months of internally directed rage and disappointment.

I’ve never been a supporter of organized religion but my internal turmoil finally reached a head this last Sunday. I found myself needing to be surrounded by others that were working on being better people even if I didn’t inherently agree with their true intentions. I hoped that this trying would soak into me like osmosis. It didn’t matter what religious organization I shared my day with I just needed to hear singing and sit in pews that resembled those that I spent Christmas mass with classmates from my catholic elementary school. Each of us draped in plaid skirts, knee high socks, and bright intrigued eyes. So I went. I sat in the pews and colored an Anatomy coloring book like the true nerd that I am. While the congregation swelled with song I felt an overwhelming feeling that it was okay to forgive myself for past transgressions. It wasn’t helping me enjoy day to day life.

While angry glares were cast my way during the multiple prayers, I stood….well sat my ground. I had every right to be there and color. I’m human. Making errors or poor decisions shape each and every one of us.  Multiple Native American cultures deliberately sew an opening into complicated patterns in rugs and quilts for a spirit to be able to escape, something other cultures have thought were blatant mistakes. I find them to be a beautiful symbolism of man’s imperfection. Another example is the stated in the humorous film “Zoolander” where they say that model means misshapen ball of clay. Although meant to be completely hilarious….as it is I still think that we are just that, a misshapen, idiotic, impulsive, and often rude species. I don’t care either. I’m happy just the way I am even if I’ve done things that I was sure I wanted to take back. Time has a silly effect on softening how horrible we thought previous experiences were.

The last couple months have also aided in my deleting the horoscope app on my phone. Which is silly in itself, I never believed that crap but I began to become dependent on seeing if it matched with daily happenings. Stupid, I’m well aware. I’m ready to go wherever I feel my successful and potentially mistake prone road may lead me, even if I’m all by myself.