I’ve been gone for a while now thanks to a much needed vacation. Got some nice sight-seeing in and for the first time in a very long time I was able to sit back and let everyone else around me manage the logistics of getting from point A to point B. (wow that was a long, and rather dumb sentence) I stumbled upon a realization while traveling the great states though. It came to me while I stuffed my face full of potato chips and oreo cookies, pinned against the door of our ford. I’ve never really lived. I know that sounds stupid and maybe a little cliché to some, but honest I feel like my entire life I’ve just watched. The saying that you just want to “be a fly on the wall” when such and such happens or so and so meets the other so and so is how I’ve spent my life. Bizarre right? I thought so.
Everything I do (I do it big...hahah sorry I had to), I imagine viewing it from one of those giant windows (as seen on tv) that opens into a room where people sit and watch surgeries take place. The people are generally all tense and anxious but can’t do anything about what is taking place in the actual surgery room…yup that’s my life. (Thanks a lot Grey’s Anatomy and my childhood watching ER for giving me that visual) I believe that’s why I completely avoid confrontation because I’m not even in there! I make
each day a to-do list and accomplish all of those things and then have nothing. It’s entirely
possible that I have some pride tinkering inside my hollow shell, but other than that nothing.
Some time ago I made a bucket list (hasn’t everyone since that movie came out?) and I didn’t do it to be all trendy and whatever cause I never even told anyone I had one….well until now. Anyway, one of the items on my list was to visit a psychic and over two years ago I fulfilled that. I was having a wonderful time having this terrifying woman eyeing me, her one eye completely askew while the other was trained on me like a sniper. She was telling me all these things that are entirely true about me and then she asked me who I was. I remember my blood pressure increased some, because honestly how do you answer that? I remained cool though and nonchalantly listed a bunch of my hobbies and what not. She quickly interrupted me and said, “You don’t know who you are, do you?” I stared blankly into her eyes…well sort of I stared at the one eye a while and then switched to the other (hell I didn’t know which one worked). Anyway, back to what I was trying to get at I still have no idea who I am and how to break the glass in that stupid room and come careening into my own life.
I just have a feeling that most people know what they get up for in the morning and I have yet to really put my finger on what it is that drives me. I just know that I need to take a more active approach in my life instead of rolling over and letting people do and say what they want to me. Plus, I’m so quiet most people think I’m a bitch. Honestly I don’t want to be a bitch or a bug. Is that too much to ask?
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