Tears on the Steering Wheel

I’m angry today. Full-on rage material. My insides are churning, my mind is spinning, and I keep catching myself clenching my fists as if some unforeseen attacker is approaching. I’m ready to brawl with anyone so they better watch out. Nothing and I mean nothing is going as planned, I’ve studied my ass off for o-chem but can only manage C’s on all the exams, Genetics is a fucking waste of time (got an exam tomorrow, hooooooray!), and I’m so damn tired of running around never accomplishing everything on my to-do list.

 Most of all I hate that I’m so anxiety ridden in exams that I can’t even function in everyday life anymore. I’ve contacted some people at the University for help with this issue and have honestly come up with nothing….they just monitor my pulse rate and say, “oh, wow even imagining exams makes your heart race”. No shit…I could have told them that. I took a practice entrance exam for grad school and fucked that up royally. I felt like breaking into deep, shoulder shuddering sobs as soon as it wrapped up. I want so many things but just keep not being good enough.

I called my mom today and got the usual. The same rushed and rude attitude she is so inclined to taking. I took some of my anger out on her (shouldn’t have but did) because I’m so tired of people not listening to me! God, I’m human too can’t I just have a bad day??? I feel like the world is collapsing around me and I’m just standing around waiting for some scrap metal to ram be in the head and finally put me out of my misery.

There are very few days that I can remember sitting at my kitchen counter crying shamefully. Today will be one of those days because I’ve had it. Mark my words by the end of the day I will either be breaking down in my car or in my kitchen it’s only a matter of time.

Lost in a Sea of Sleep

I have slept ungodly amounts for the past three days. I’m not exactly sure why either, I’ve just been  much happier staying in bed.  School blows, I’m beginning to wish that I had some sort of social life of some kind. So instead of bitching about it I’ve gone out a couple times this week  to attempt socializing with others of my same species…weird right? I had a visitor come to my house too! He stayed for a long time….and my tongue was kind of tired when he left. Hint, Hint I had a good time hahah. Unfortunately, I’m sure he will just return to his ex-girlfriend which is cool, whatever. It would be cool if I cared but my soul is sort of a black hole anymore.

I’m still really happy, a little stressed about the remaining weeks of the semester but I’m still having a pretty good time. So, I guess I have no real complaints. Odd….the planet must be off kilter cause that’s not right. J

I took a practice entrance exam today and about pissed myself. Shit, it was hard and my score certainly reflected that! I have a lot of work to do to prepare for applying this year….if that is what I choose to do. Hmm…well I’m going to go take a nap. Didn’t see that one coming now did ya?

p.s. I realize that my writing skills really blow right now, unfortunately you are not going to see a change in them for a while...so get used to how shitty this is.

A Smelly Rodent Trapped on A Wheel

I find it rather odd when you take a second to notice how everyone else around you has decided to carry on their lives for the last few months or years. College has done a funny thing to me; it is supposed to make you a more “well-rounded” individual. In some ways I do agree with that statement and in others I really wonder if I am missing out on much more.  I went home this weekend to spend some time with my family for fall break and without planning to do so; I realized that everyone around me have changed.

I spent some time with my dad and honestly felt rather worried. He is incredibly forgetful, to the extent that someone needs to say something. I have noticed this trend of forgetfulness honestly since the day I first packed my shit and went to college but it is becoming noticeable and quite frightening. No one, and I mean no one takes me seriously. He has also left his post as the strongest, most valiant, and smartest male in my life….not that he has been replaced but he has shriveled to an older, more feeble version of himself. What strikes fear into me is that although he has lived a rather physical life he has mainly taxed his brain, almost on an hourly basis. I worry that I too am choosing a field that may potentially cause premature aging and forgetfulness due to the stress it entails. Mainly, this whole weekend has been eye-opening and sad. What am I to do when one of the only people in this world that understands me is shrinking physically as well as mentally right before my eyes? It has been too much to take.

I decided to spend time with my best friend from high school, and although I hate to admit it I had a small tinge of jealousy towards her. She has failed out of multiple universities, has no real academic plans, and answers phones for 8$ an hour. Why am I envious? Because in any other aspect she has her shit together, she discussed her relationship with a male (who already has a child from a previous relationship) that she will most likely get married to. It sounded like a lovely relationship….and then I met him and knew that that was exactly what it was. It wasn’t a pseud. I’m 100% happy for my friend and told her to roll with whatever happened with all of this but that I better look damn good standing in line at her wedding.  I just couldn’t help wondering wtf is wrong with me? Why have I never had a real relationship? I’ve begun to realize that some of these middle of the road average people are finding happiness, and I’m left saying to myself “ you’ll be happy just get through this semester/year/class/hour/etc.” . I’m beginning to think that those people that take a break right before college or right before graduate school are a whole hell of a lot smarter than me. I would love to be a secretary for $8 an hour…..I have problems.

Then while my friend and I checked out some groceries at the local super market I noticed a girl that we had both gone to school with next in line. Her stomach grazed the spinning counter as she heaved groceries onto it. I too felt as if I might heave. That’s right she was pregnant….so I couldn’t just feel jealous that my friend was apparently moving on and probably getting married. Oh no, I had to see the whole marriage and a baby carriage bull shit in one afternoon. It’s is not that I want to be married or have kids or any of that I just wonder if one day I will wake up and say, “fuck they chose the right path”.

Then I spent some time with my brother, who I am happy to say has grown up a ton. He is far more compassionate towards others and may have his giant head a little closer to earth. (Thank god!) He has had a busy fall participating in multiple high school sports which makes me proud because I worried that he had absolutely zero initiative. Ends up I was majorly wrong, which makes me incredibly happy. Since I’m on this whole being honest jag I guess I will admit that coming home just isn’t the same anymore. I love my brother, and the rest of my family but I feel a disconnect from them when I do come home. They have a bunch of inside jokes and my brother has comfortably taken the royal seat. Oh, did I forget to mention that the sun rises and sets on him?

I’m an outsider in their home. It’s interesting to reflect on this because I remember when I first felt this way, the first time I returned from college. I was dejected, upset, and lost. When I felt that this time I realized that it was because I had actually made connections at college, I missed them and the ordinariness that is my life. I like having a routine, eating the same things every day at the school store (because there is nothing else to eat on campus!....and by all means I will NOT lose that awesome parking spot). I like being myself and reading magazines that my parents may not think highly of….I guess I’m branching out and finding what makes me truly content instead of following what others have told me will make me happy.

I’m not sure where I was going with any of this…. Maybe if I reflect on it for a few days I may be able to draw some sort of meaning behind all of this rambling I just took part in. Until then, I got nothin’.

Sometimes Your Best is Good Enough

I began by trying to write a poem and then scrapped that because poems have never been my thing (aka it sucked beyond all reason… a chimp could have done a better job). Anyway, my life has pretty much been the same. I’ve finished my first genetics exam which I ended up with a D on….funny that the average was that too but the professor sees no problem with that. She apparently can’t do math either because I’m getting a B in the class….I’m not sure how that works and I don’t think I’m going to take anytime out of my day to draw attention to it. I’ve managed to take my second O-chem exam which I’m fairly sure I tanked. I got a B on the previous one so I guess we will all have to sit on the edge of our seats to see how that goes. 

I know I had previously (as in many months ago) mentioned that over the summer I felt as if my hometown had “healed” me, almost as if the amazing self that had set up camp in the hills had finally returned home. I had initially feared that this sense of clarity or deep inner peace would escape me once again and I would be a mindless student droid drooling and slowly causing degenerative damage to my lower back (thanks a ton back pack, I’m sure the higher education and therefore better pay check will be spent on the damage you expensive-ass book carrier have caused). I am here to tell you that, although this has and probably will continue to be the most intense semester of my life, I’ve maintained a level of happiness that I had never experienced in my hell hole of a college town before.

I really have been and plan to continue to be happy because I’m tired of being drained. I’m tired of nothing that I do being good enough for my own standards…which is why when I received that D I didn’t break down in a fit of tears like the previous version of myself would have I honestly laughed and took a second to evaluate why one exam score or one class would affect my overall life. I’m still going to eat tomorrow, I still have a home, I still have ice cream in the freezer, what else is there that is needed???

I’ve also made some neat relationships with people (mainly because we are so damn stressed out that we have no time to speak to anyone but each other). I feel as if things are looking up. Once again, I hope all is well in Cyber Land :D