I’m angry today. Full-on rage material. My insides are churning, my mind is spinning, and I keep catching myself clenching my fists as if some unforeseen attacker is approaching. I’m ready to brawl with anyone so they better watch out. Nothing and I mean nothing is going as planned, I’ve studied my ass off for o-chem but can only manage C’s on all the exams, Genetics is a fucking waste of time (got an exam tomorrow, hooooooray!), and I’m so damn tired of running around never accomplishing everything on my to-do list.
Most of all I hate that I’m so anxiety ridden in exams that I can’t even function in everyday life anymore. I’ve contacted some people at the University for help with this issue and have honestly come up with nothing….they just monitor my pulse rate and say, “oh, wow even imagining exams makes your heart race”. No shit…I could have told them that. I took a practice entrance exam for grad school and fucked that up royally. I felt like breaking into deep, shoulder shuddering sobs as soon as it wrapped up. I want so many things but just keep not being good enough.
I called my mom today and got the usual. The same rushed and rude attitude she is so inclined to taking. I took some of my anger out on her (shouldn’t have but did) because I’m so tired of people not listening to me! God, I’m human too can’t I just have a bad day??? I feel like the world is collapsing around me and I’m just standing around waiting for some scrap metal to ram be in the head and finally put me out of my misery.
There are very few days that I can remember sitting at my kitchen counter crying shamefully. Today will be one of those days because I’ve had it. Mark my words by the end of the day I will either be breaking down in my car or in my kitchen it’s only a matter of time.
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