Model Idiot

I’ve never been happier to let go of the past and see the future for all of its potential glory. Sometimes as completely idiotic human beings we put ourselves through unnecessary physical and emotional anguish, finding ourselves angry and distraught at our sheer stupidity. Chanting incessantly “I’m better than this”, “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”, and the like.  It often takes years to learn why these experiences took place and what we learned from them. I appreciate my stupidity even if it has caused months of internally directed rage and disappointment.

I’ve never been a supporter of organized religion but my internal turmoil finally reached a head this last Sunday. I found myself needing to be surrounded by others that were working on being better people even if I didn’t inherently agree with their true intentions. I hoped that this trying would soak into me like osmosis. It didn’t matter what religious organization I shared my day with I just needed to hear singing and sit in pews that resembled those that I spent Christmas mass with classmates from my catholic elementary school. Each of us draped in plaid skirts, knee high socks, and bright intrigued eyes. So I went. I sat in the pews and colored an Anatomy coloring book like the true nerd that I am. While the congregation swelled with song I felt an overwhelming feeling that it was okay to forgive myself for past transgressions. It wasn’t helping me enjoy day to day life.

While angry glares were cast my way during the multiple prayers, I stood….well sat my ground. I had every right to be there and color. I’m human. Making errors or poor decisions shape each and every one of us.  Multiple Native American cultures deliberately sew an opening into complicated patterns in rugs and quilts for a spirit to be able to escape, something other cultures have thought were blatant mistakes. I find them to be a beautiful symbolism of man’s imperfection. Another example is the stated in the humorous film “Zoolander” where they say that model means misshapen ball of clay. Although meant to be completely hilarious….as it is I still think that we are just that, a misshapen, idiotic, impulsive, and often rude species. I don’t care either. I’m happy just the way I am even if I’ve done things that I was sure I wanted to take back. Time has a silly effect on softening how horrible we thought previous experiences were.

The last couple months have also aided in my deleting the horoscope app on my phone. Which is silly in itself, I never believed that crap but I began to become dependent on seeing if it matched with daily happenings. Stupid, I’m well aware. I’m ready to go wherever I feel my successful and potentially mistake prone road may lead me, even if I’m all by myself.

A glass bottled Coca-Cola, condensation sliding silently down the curved neck, collecting in a cool ringed pool at the bottles end. It beckoning the thirsty summer patron with promises of sweetness and a refreshing chill that will run through their body.

As this summer draws to a close a few items need to be identified, realized, and pondered upon. It has for sure been an atypical summer. First off I didn’t get to enjoy it due to my ever pressing need to excel (i.e. summer college courses) that I am happy to say went exceptionally well. Second, it has been bursting with accident after accident. These accidents can be summed up simply by mentioning one of the only creatures on this planet that accepts me simply as me, and that is the horse. I’ve been thrown off,

Hands automatically and protectively enveloping the skull, legs flailing in a desperate attempt to free a foot from the entrapment of the stirrup, eyes full of the careening ground. The terrifying feeling of time seeming to slow down but still not being able to counteract the position you have instantly found yourself in.

Had my horse fall from beneath me,

Its’ one eared bridle disappearing in a flash, horse flesh traversing into the earth at a rapid fire rate, throwing the reins as one might a baseball to aid the horse in finding its much needed center of gravity. The crowd gasping in horror as both horse and rider find themselves resting upon the manicured arena ground. The rider springing to her feet and attending to her animal as one might find a protective parent do to a fallen toddler.

And had every rodeo I’ve been to has been rained out,

Sunnyside rodeo we parked the old trailer just right. It faced the well-lit arena while fellow competitors parked with their headlights leading; our truck stuck out, a sore thumb amongst the others. When the rain began to come down heavy, parachuters from the sky, it became a refuge. Complete strangers welcomed in to stand among the muck and hay of the trailer, the horses fidgeting between the dividers, the march of army boots against the ceiling enveloping everyone in the trailer. Reminding us we are all the same.

I’ve also had some interesting experiences in my personal life. Well, two interesting experiences. The first being a blind date,

I found myself at a park. Calling the other person, discussing the color and make of each other’s vehicles in an attempt to locate one another amongst the sea of cars parked in the small parking lot. Once we had located each other we covered the typical mannered territory of exchanging information, names, majors in college, etc. and then set off to descend the mountain hoping our feet remained firmly on a longboard. At times our hands found each other to insure that the other did not crash. We found each other like this often throughout the summer. Meeting up to explore a complete stranger, never truly finding anything out about the other but having no shame or embarrassment in telling the other exactly what was a good kiss to them. By the end each could read the others mind but only on a sexual scale. No substance, mild satisfaction, but a regretful seething hatred for self began to take root.

The second experience was an attempt to see an old relationship for what it was. I called him. Some may say it was stupid on  my part since he was the one and only person I had truly “fallen” for but after a two year hiatus from seeing one another I had to find out why I had loved him,

My truck growled up the streets of a poor neighborhood, a once familiar figure stood on the street corner directing me to the final destination, his sister’s apartment, a sudden panicked feeling taking over me. Why was I here? Why did I drive an hour to see someone that caused immense panic to run through my veins? Gushing through arteries, turning my face an auburn shade. I quieted myself, and asked the same face that had meant so much to me at one time, where to park.  When I exited the vehicle an embrace was mutual and the swapping of familiar and comforting scent was shared.

I couldn’t help myself, as soon as I laid eyes on his face I once again could feel the head over heels feeling taking over. I decided to allow it for a few passing hours. As any great scientist I needed to see as well as feel this in action, reasoning that this was the feeling I needed to share with someone that I wanted to marry. If they didn’t give me this same feeling it wasn’t going to work. I remembered all the delightful things about his character as he entertained his niece and nephews, while casually glancing over and sharing the same charming smile that always made me weak in the knees.

When it came time to leave we spoke endlessly in the parking lot beside my truck. I desperately was hoping that he would kiss me just as we had the first time in a parking lot. It wasn’t long before I found myself against him in what would have looked like a heat of passion. It certainly was.

A week passed and I found myself questioning if I had really learned anything from the exercise I put myself in. I felt secure in the fact that I was a different person than I was two years ago, that I respected myself and my goals far too much to ever attempt a true reconciliation. But, I still was looking for some kind of answer. So, I called again. Met up with him and witnessed all of the things I could not stand about him. His addictions out on a platter. It mostly just overwhelmed me with sadness more than anything. He has talent practically running out of every orifice yet no desire to perform.

We parted once again in a parking lot, a true metaphor for the relationship we shared. Parking lots are sites for hooking up, coming and going, snorting drugs off of dashboards, and leaving people confused and empty. He did just that. When we parted we shared yet another embrace but he was gone just as quickly as he came, leaving me standing confused once again.

I’m not entirely sure what point he was making by leaving like that. I don’t honestly care either. I learned that I had moved on, that I no longer felt an urgent need for his approval. I also was proud of myself that I had made myself see him face to face again. It always seemed like he had a grasp on my future, my future successes and failures, like I couldn’t get away from him. I faced him. I did it, and I didn’t care that he left me because I had already decided that I didn’t need him.

It has been an interesting summer for sure. As I tip back that glass bottled coca-cola, it tickling my taste buds and reminding me of previous summers living in Mexico, I’ve realized that I’ve become a completely different person than I was before. I’m beginning to see who I am, what is important to me, and where I stand. It’s a terrifyingly delightful experience that I’m sure has something to do with realizing my own immortality (thank you horses for that nightmarish lesson) and confronting fear that was completely irrational. So, I began this by saying that I didn’t get to truly experience summer but I feel that I’ve learned far more this summer than a tan could have ever taught me. And nothing is sweeter or more refreshing than that.

Cold

Sometimes you hit a point in your life when you realize that you’re not getting what you want. I realized this week after cramming for a chem test that maybe this fucking tough road I’m on is leading me somewhere I don’t even want to be.  That possibly deep down I know it is not actually what I want. I feel like I’m trying desperately to be something I’m not.

 I recently had some testing done for test anxiety and learned that I supposedly am ADHD as well as have post-traumatic stress due to a car accident I was in at the age of 16. I would like to say that the woman that diagnosed me is a buffoon but lest she’s not…..

She made a lot of sense. In fact the whole post-traumatic stress stuff really hit a chord in me. The car wreck taught me a lot about living a life worth living, but most of all it taught me how fragile everyone is; especially my parents. As a child you never can imagine your parents passing away. But, that cold night in December as cars spun all around my mother and I, I suddenly understood that I’m alone. They can’t be there for me all the time.

This is why I’ve always pushed myself even if it is in a direction I’m not comfortable taking. I’m always preparing for making sure that I’m cared for, that I’m self-sustaining if the inevitable happens. Because that snow laden evening left me drenched in the cold, alone.

Tears on the Steering Wheel

I’m angry today. Full-on rage material. My insides are churning, my mind is spinning, and I keep catching myself clenching my fists as if some unforeseen attacker is approaching. I’m ready to brawl with anyone so they better watch out. Nothing and I mean nothing is going as planned, I’ve studied my ass off for o-chem but can only manage C’s on all the exams, Genetics is a fucking waste of time (got an exam tomorrow, hooooooray!), and I’m so damn tired of running around never accomplishing everything on my to-do list.

 Most of all I hate that I’m so anxiety ridden in exams that I can’t even function in everyday life anymore. I’ve contacted some people at the University for help with this issue and have honestly come up with nothing….they just monitor my pulse rate and say, “oh, wow even imagining exams makes your heart race”. No shit…I could have told them that. I took a practice entrance exam for grad school and fucked that up royally. I felt like breaking into deep, shoulder shuddering sobs as soon as it wrapped up. I want so many things but just keep not being good enough.

I called my mom today and got the usual. The same rushed and rude attitude she is so inclined to taking. I took some of my anger out on her (shouldn’t have but did) because I’m so tired of people not listening to me! God, I’m human too can’t I just have a bad day??? I feel like the world is collapsing around me and I’m just standing around waiting for some scrap metal to ram be in the head and finally put me out of my misery.

There are very few days that I can remember sitting at my kitchen counter crying shamefully. Today will be one of those days because I’ve had it. Mark my words by the end of the day I will either be breaking down in my car or in my kitchen it’s only a matter of time.

Lost in a Sea of Sleep

I have slept ungodly amounts for the past three days. I’m not exactly sure why either, I’ve just been  much happier staying in bed.  School blows, I’m beginning to wish that I had some sort of social life of some kind. So instead of bitching about it I’ve gone out a couple times this week  to attempt socializing with others of my same species…weird right? I had a visitor come to my house too! He stayed for a long time….and my tongue was kind of tired when he left. Hint, Hint I had a good time hahah. Unfortunately, I’m sure he will just return to his ex-girlfriend which is cool, whatever. It would be cool if I cared but my soul is sort of a black hole anymore.

I’m still really happy, a little stressed about the remaining weeks of the semester but I’m still having a pretty good time. So, I guess I have no real complaints. Odd….the planet must be off kilter cause that’s not right. J

I took a practice entrance exam today and about pissed myself. Shit, it was hard and my score certainly reflected that! I have a lot of work to do to prepare for applying this year….if that is what I choose to do. Hmm…well I’m going to go take a nap. Didn’t see that one coming now did ya?

p.s. I realize that my writing skills really blow right now, unfortunately you are not going to see a change in them for a while...so get used to how shitty this is.

A Smelly Rodent Trapped on A Wheel

I find it rather odd when you take a second to notice how everyone else around you has decided to carry on their lives for the last few months or years. College has done a funny thing to me; it is supposed to make you a more “well-rounded” individual. In some ways I do agree with that statement and in others I really wonder if I am missing out on much more.  I went home this weekend to spend some time with my family for fall break and without planning to do so; I realized that everyone around me have changed.

I spent some time with my dad and honestly felt rather worried. He is incredibly forgetful, to the extent that someone needs to say something. I have noticed this trend of forgetfulness honestly since the day I first packed my shit and went to college but it is becoming noticeable and quite frightening. No one, and I mean no one takes me seriously. He has also left his post as the strongest, most valiant, and smartest male in my life….not that he has been replaced but he has shriveled to an older, more feeble version of himself. What strikes fear into me is that although he has lived a rather physical life he has mainly taxed his brain, almost on an hourly basis. I worry that I too am choosing a field that may potentially cause premature aging and forgetfulness due to the stress it entails. Mainly, this whole weekend has been eye-opening and sad. What am I to do when one of the only people in this world that understands me is shrinking physically as well as mentally right before my eyes? It has been too much to take.

I decided to spend time with my best friend from high school, and although I hate to admit it I had a small tinge of jealousy towards her. She has failed out of multiple universities, has no real academic plans, and answers phones for 8$ an hour. Why am I envious? Because in any other aspect she has her shit together, she discussed her relationship with a male (who already has a child from a previous relationship) that she will most likely get married to. It sounded like a lovely relationship….and then I met him and knew that that was exactly what it was. It wasn’t a pseud. I’m 100% happy for my friend and told her to roll with whatever happened with all of this but that I better look damn good standing in line at her wedding.  I just couldn’t help wondering wtf is wrong with me? Why have I never had a real relationship? I’ve begun to realize that some of these middle of the road average people are finding happiness, and I’m left saying to myself “ you’ll be happy just get through this semester/year/class/hour/etc.” . I’m beginning to think that those people that take a break right before college or right before graduate school are a whole hell of a lot smarter than me. I would love to be a secretary for $8 an hour…..I have problems.

Then while my friend and I checked out some groceries at the local super market I noticed a girl that we had both gone to school with next in line. Her stomach grazed the spinning counter as she heaved groceries onto it. I too felt as if I might heave. That’s right she was pregnant….so I couldn’t just feel jealous that my friend was apparently moving on and probably getting married. Oh no, I had to see the whole marriage and a baby carriage bull shit in one afternoon. It’s is not that I want to be married or have kids or any of that I just wonder if one day I will wake up and say, “fuck they chose the right path”.

Then I spent some time with my brother, who I am happy to say has grown up a ton. He is far more compassionate towards others and may have his giant head a little closer to earth. (Thank god!) He has had a busy fall participating in multiple high school sports which makes me proud because I worried that he had absolutely zero initiative. Ends up I was majorly wrong, which makes me incredibly happy. Since I’m on this whole being honest jag I guess I will admit that coming home just isn’t the same anymore. I love my brother, and the rest of my family but I feel a disconnect from them when I do come home. They have a bunch of inside jokes and my brother has comfortably taken the royal seat. Oh, did I forget to mention that the sun rises and sets on him?

I’m an outsider in their home. It’s interesting to reflect on this because I remember when I first felt this way, the first time I returned from college. I was dejected, upset, and lost. When I felt that this time I realized that it was because I had actually made connections at college, I missed them and the ordinariness that is my life. I like having a routine, eating the same things every day at the school store (because there is nothing else to eat on campus!....and by all means I will NOT lose that awesome parking spot). I like being myself and reading magazines that my parents may not think highly of….I guess I’m branching out and finding what makes me truly content instead of following what others have told me will make me happy.

I’m not sure where I was going with any of this…. Maybe if I reflect on it for a few days I may be able to draw some sort of meaning behind all of this rambling I just took part in. Until then, I got nothin’.

Sometimes Your Best is Good Enough

I began by trying to write a poem and then scrapped that because poems have never been my thing (aka it sucked beyond all reason… a chimp could have done a better job). Anyway, my life has pretty much been the same. I’ve finished my first genetics exam which I ended up with a D on….funny that the average was that too but the professor sees no problem with that. She apparently can’t do math either because I’m getting a B in the class….I’m not sure how that works and I don’t think I’m going to take anytime out of my day to draw attention to it. I’ve managed to take my second O-chem exam which I’m fairly sure I tanked. I got a B on the previous one so I guess we will all have to sit on the edge of our seats to see how that goes. 

I know I had previously (as in many months ago) mentioned that over the summer I felt as if my hometown had “healed” me, almost as if the amazing self that had set up camp in the hills had finally returned home. I had initially feared that this sense of clarity or deep inner peace would escape me once again and I would be a mindless student droid drooling and slowly causing degenerative damage to my lower back (thanks a ton back pack, I’m sure the higher education and therefore better pay check will be spent on the damage you expensive-ass book carrier have caused). I am here to tell you that, although this has and probably will continue to be the most intense semester of my life, I’ve maintained a level of happiness that I had never experienced in my hell hole of a college town before.

I really have been and plan to continue to be happy because I’m tired of being drained. I’m tired of nothing that I do being good enough for my own standards…which is why when I received that D I didn’t break down in a fit of tears like the previous version of myself would have I honestly laughed and took a second to evaluate why one exam score or one class would affect my overall life. I’m still going to eat tomorrow, I still have a home, I still have ice cream in the freezer, what else is there that is needed???

I’ve also made some neat relationships with people (mainly because we are so damn stressed out that we have no time to speak to anyone but each other). I feel as if things are looking up. Once again, I hope all is well in Cyber Land :D