Lost in a Sea of Sleep

I have slept ungodly amounts for the past three days. I’m not exactly sure why either, I’ve just been  much happier staying in bed.  School blows, I’m beginning to wish that I had some sort of social life of some kind. So instead of bitching about it I’ve gone out a couple times this week  to attempt socializing with others of my same species…weird right? I had a visitor come to my house too! He stayed for a long time….and my tongue was kind of tired when he left. Hint, Hint I had a good time hahah. Unfortunately, I’m sure he will just return to his ex-girlfriend which is cool, whatever. It would be cool if I cared but my soul is sort of a black hole anymore.

I’m still really happy, a little stressed about the remaining weeks of the semester but I’m still having a pretty good time. So, I guess I have no real complaints. Odd….the planet must be off kilter cause that’s not right. J

I took a practice entrance exam today and about pissed myself. Shit, it was hard and my score certainly reflected that! I have a lot of work to do to prepare for applying this year….if that is what I choose to do. Hmm…well I’m going to go take a nap. Didn’t see that one coming now did ya?

p.s. I realize that my writing skills really blow right now, unfortunately you are not going to see a change in them for a while...so get used to how shitty this is.

A Smelly Rodent Trapped on A Wheel

I find it rather odd when you take a second to notice how everyone else around you has decided to carry on their lives for the last few months or years. College has done a funny thing to me; it is supposed to make you a more “well-rounded” individual. In some ways I do agree with that statement and in others I really wonder if I am missing out on much more.  I went home this weekend to spend some time with my family for fall break and without planning to do so; I realized that everyone around me have changed.

I spent some time with my dad and honestly felt rather worried. He is incredibly forgetful, to the extent that someone needs to say something. I have noticed this trend of forgetfulness honestly since the day I first packed my shit and went to college but it is becoming noticeable and quite frightening. No one, and I mean no one takes me seriously. He has also left his post as the strongest, most valiant, and smartest male in my life….not that he has been replaced but he has shriveled to an older, more feeble version of himself. What strikes fear into me is that although he has lived a rather physical life he has mainly taxed his brain, almost on an hourly basis. I worry that I too am choosing a field that may potentially cause premature aging and forgetfulness due to the stress it entails. Mainly, this whole weekend has been eye-opening and sad. What am I to do when one of the only people in this world that understands me is shrinking physically as well as mentally right before my eyes? It has been too much to take.

I decided to spend time with my best friend from high school, and although I hate to admit it I had a small tinge of jealousy towards her. She has failed out of multiple universities, has no real academic plans, and answers phones for 8$ an hour. Why am I envious? Because in any other aspect she has her shit together, she discussed her relationship with a male (who already has a child from a previous relationship) that she will most likely get married to. It sounded like a lovely relationship….and then I met him and knew that that was exactly what it was. It wasn’t a pseud. I’m 100% happy for my friend and told her to roll with whatever happened with all of this but that I better look damn good standing in line at her wedding.  I just couldn’t help wondering wtf is wrong with me? Why have I never had a real relationship? I’ve begun to realize that some of these middle of the road average people are finding happiness, and I’m left saying to myself “ you’ll be happy just get through this semester/year/class/hour/etc.” . I’m beginning to think that those people that take a break right before college or right before graduate school are a whole hell of a lot smarter than me. I would love to be a secretary for $8 an hour…..I have problems.

Then while my friend and I checked out some groceries at the local super market I noticed a girl that we had both gone to school with next in line. Her stomach grazed the spinning counter as she heaved groceries onto it. I too felt as if I might heave. That’s right she was pregnant….so I couldn’t just feel jealous that my friend was apparently moving on and probably getting married. Oh no, I had to see the whole marriage and a baby carriage bull shit in one afternoon. It’s is not that I want to be married or have kids or any of that I just wonder if one day I will wake up and say, “fuck they chose the right path”.

Then I spent some time with my brother, who I am happy to say has grown up a ton. He is far more compassionate towards others and may have his giant head a little closer to earth. (Thank god!) He has had a busy fall participating in multiple high school sports which makes me proud because I worried that he had absolutely zero initiative. Ends up I was majorly wrong, which makes me incredibly happy. Since I’m on this whole being honest jag I guess I will admit that coming home just isn’t the same anymore. I love my brother, and the rest of my family but I feel a disconnect from them when I do come home. They have a bunch of inside jokes and my brother has comfortably taken the royal seat. Oh, did I forget to mention that the sun rises and sets on him?

I’m an outsider in their home. It’s interesting to reflect on this because I remember when I first felt this way, the first time I returned from college. I was dejected, upset, and lost. When I felt that this time I realized that it was because I had actually made connections at college, I missed them and the ordinariness that is my life. I like having a routine, eating the same things every day at the school store (because there is nothing else to eat on campus!....and by all means I will NOT lose that awesome parking spot). I like being myself and reading magazines that my parents may not think highly of….I guess I’m branching out and finding what makes me truly content instead of following what others have told me will make me happy.

I’m not sure where I was going with any of this…. Maybe if I reflect on it for a few days I may be able to draw some sort of meaning behind all of this rambling I just took part in. Until then, I got nothin’.

Sometimes Your Best is Good Enough

I began by trying to write a poem and then scrapped that because poems have never been my thing (aka it sucked beyond all reason… a chimp could have done a better job). Anyway, my life has pretty much been the same. I’ve finished my first genetics exam which I ended up with a D on….funny that the average was that too but the professor sees no problem with that. She apparently can’t do math either because I’m getting a B in the class….I’m not sure how that works and I don’t think I’m going to take anytime out of my day to draw attention to it. I’ve managed to take my second O-chem exam which I’m fairly sure I tanked. I got a B on the previous one so I guess we will all have to sit on the edge of our seats to see how that goes. 

I know I had previously (as in many months ago) mentioned that over the summer I felt as if my hometown had “healed” me, almost as if the amazing self that had set up camp in the hills had finally returned home. I had initially feared that this sense of clarity or deep inner peace would escape me once again and I would be a mindless student droid drooling and slowly causing degenerative damage to my lower back (thanks a ton back pack, I’m sure the higher education and therefore better pay check will be spent on the damage you expensive-ass book carrier have caused). I am here to tell you that, although this has and probably will continue to be the most intense semester of my life, I’ve maintained a level of happiness that I had never experienced in my hell hole of a college town before.

I really have been and plan to continue to be happy because I’m tired of being drained. I’m tired of nothing that I do being good enough for my own standards…which is why when I received that D I didn’t break down in a fit of tears like the previous version of myself would have I honestly laughed and took a second to evaluate why one exam score or one class would affect my overall life. I’m still going to eat tomorrow, I still have a home, I still have ice cream in the freezer, what else is there that is needed???

I’ve also made some neat relationships with people (mainly because we are so damn stressed out that we have no time to speak to anyone but each other). I feel as if things are looking up. Once again, I hope all is well in Cyber Land :D

Nomenclature, you Skank, YOU!

 So, I know I haven’t said anything for a long time. I apologize. Now that that is out of the way I can begin to tell what it is that I have been up to. Well, I spend every night with my head in my O-chem book trying to make sense of bond-line structures, isomers, resonance structures and this horrible thing known as nomenclature. I assumed that nomenclature in o-chem would be just as easy as in general chemistry well I will be the first to inform you that it’s not. It’s a bitch; A growling, snarling, snapping, dictator of a concept. If you are thinking slit my wrists now you are on the correct path. I took my first exam Friday and have no idea how that went….in years past the average is a D so I’m clinging to a scraggly hope for a C. Honest, if I got a C I would probably go out and get myself a chocolate sundae.

Second, I have been attempting to pay attention in a genetics class with the most bizarre women as the professor. She seriously does not make any sense or follow the syllabus at all, the only good thing is that if you are smart and show up to her “review” you get the answers to all the homework problems. Hooray! Cause I don’t have the time to even read the chapter let alone get any form of actual knowledge from it. Yeah, I’m going to fail the first exam. Whatever.

Third, I attempted to set up a contractual agreement with a male baseball player after an impromptu make out session in the middle of the day. Yeah I had only met him two other times….wait maybe I am a skank?? Hahahah nah I just knew the first week I had time to enjoy myself a little. Since, I knew that the rest of the semester I would never get to see people ever again unless we were talking about pushing electrons and why something can depronate something else. Not really something you bring up between licking someone’s ear or having your ass grabbed, just sayin. So, since I am 100% honest and upfront all the time I just said it. I wanted a booty call a bon a fide make out buddy. Yup, just as I’m sure you have expected I never got called again. I don’t get it why it is so hard to just make out with someone without having all of the chains of a relationship. I’m lazy and have no time!!!! Why can’t the male species see that….hmm I think I’m a little backwards.

Lastly, I had my first sports event for the weekend. I did horrible and the last night I saw a horse break its leg. Amidst how awful the actual breaking of the leg was the worst part to stomach was watching my friend and team mate completely collapse in a fit of screaming and tears. It still shakes me four days later. I’ve had the hardest time focusing in school (even though I am buried in homework) because watching that all unfold and me being the person to take charge and care for the horse really brought me back to what is important in life and how fragile each and everyone one of us are.  I would love to share the rest of this story because I do need to get it off my chest but once again time is an issue. I need a shower, need to complete a lab assignment, and need to attempt to clear up my pizza acne face, oh, and at some point invest in some sleep. I hope all is well out in the sea of internet!

Taking One Day at A Time

It’s funny how sometimes people say exactly what you need them to. A midst this whole talking to the stupid guy again I had my dad say something that really made me rethink even speaking to the idiot all over again. First off the guy decided to in great detail tell me how gorgeous he thinks I am and how I had basically ruined his life because he never could get me….and then when I tried to set up actually meeting with him he is nowhere to be found! He makes me out to be some clingy psycho! A couple unanswered text messages later and I told him I was done with all of the bullshit that goes a long with him. And there goes his final chance. At least he can never pin on me that I didn’t try.

 Anyway, so I’m driving home with my dad and somehow we get talking about people and how I’ve basically given up on them. I truly have. I’ve started to accept and even allow people that I don’t necessarily agree with around me. My dad honestly got mad. He told me that he didn’t want me to start being a push over and just taking what I can get. He told me to never settle. It’s funny when people start saying things that are so congruent with your own life. He knows nothing about what is happening in my other life yet he knows just what to say to clear up any worries I have.

I’m working on having a better attitude regarding my return to school. I’m not there yet but I’m certainly working on it.  Sometimes you just have to take one day at a time. J

A Screw Must Be Loose

I’m starting to feel crazy. The sudden pressure of reality is making my brain feel like it’s caving in. I’m supposed to return to school this coming weekend (fml) and then the following weekend be ready to compete for my college team. This sounds pretty neat except the fact that I’m taking O-Chem on top of attempting to qualify for nationals again and maintaining a high enough gpa to apply for grad school. Oh, and just plain passing O-chem would be nice too! I haven’t  packed, haven’t even allowed myself to think about packing because I just want to cry when I start. I hate school, I hate my college campus, I hate the college town I live in, and I hate the back stabbing, egocentric, liars for people that fill the town. So, I’m supposed to put a smile on my face and jump face first into a pit of vipers. Hooray!!!!!

I feel as if my home town and specifically my family are like a therapy center. I come in all jacked up on life, saying obscenities under my breath (and many times a loud), scantily clad and hating the world. Then a few short months later I leave smiling and singing with the birds around me (queue the scene with Pocahontas). I’m an incredibly independent soul but there is something about their lifestyle and lack of judgment that allows me to return to the calm individual I generally am. I don’t want to lose the me that I have finally (FINALLY!!!) rediscovered via this three month escape from reality but, I know that I can no longer prolong this awesome retreat I’ve taken. I guess I’ll just have to let life smack me in the face and then run me over a few times (Of course with a smile on my face, because showing weakness is something that I’ve never been okay with).

It seems like I can never escape the drama that is “Big Red Boy” either. After he had apologized to me I decided that maybe he deserved a second chance, at least as a friend. Well two days later I learned a lot about what had actually happened to us….ends up we both felt dejected and rejected in regards to one another, but we both still had a thing for each other. I of course did not fully disclose this because deep down I know he is still the idiot that I wrote off sometime ago. Why get all emotionally attached? Uhh, I’m not. Plus, does it sound like I am going to have the time? But, nonetheless I am meeting him the day I return to maybe rekindle some sense of okay-ness (that’s right I made that word up) between each other.  I’m not even sure that I know why I’m doing this. I already know it is going to be a huge failure….but maybe just maybe I can admit sometimes I don’t mind the company. Maybe I enjoy being kissed. GASP! Or, here is a stretch held...wait it gets better...desired?

Hopefully next post I'm thinking a little clearer. I can only hope :)

dick check please?

Well I was going to write a wonderfully awesome blog about how my life is full of gum drops and care bears, oh and smiles but a family blow out is cool too. I seriously have had the most awesome week, I’ve had people in great distress say some of the most powerful and impressionable things to me, and I’ve taken some time to glance at the stars, take a deep breath, and lean back while proudly gazing at the gargantuan windmill that rests on my parents property. Sometimes the oddest things make me grin.

BUT, of course I couldn’t just enjoy myself. Nope I walked in the door to find my mother and brother in a blazing argument again over my brother’s attitude. Hello God Complex! No shit, I mean it he is incredibly rude to just about everyone but most of all his family. It’s hard to believe that he even was upset that I was ever moving away because it sure seems like he hates me now….well the feeling is becoming incredibly mutual. I swear if I hear, “go back to college” one more time a frying pan is going to go sailing through the air at him. I’m an incredibly calm and easy going person too. My parents actually asked me to take him around my college town because they were thinking of having him live with me, two days with the new ass hole that has invaded his body and I was sure I was going to find a way to drop out of school so there was no reason for me to return there.

Did I ever mention that I hate teenagers….Seriously there are far more important things in life than you, I swear that the world does not revolve around your dumb ass problems. I’m hoping that one day he may wake up and realize this, time will tell (keep your fingers crossed for me too!)

The thing that I most of all don’t understand about some people is their reasoning behind throwing out statements that 100% destroy the other person. Umm dick check please? Yup, he has managed to completely tear down my mom…and then walks back into the house like nothing ever happened. Whoa, uhh crazy shit just went down for a three hours…wait maybe it didn’t? Am I insane?