Cold

Sometimes you hit a point in your life when you realize that you’re not getting what you want. I realized this week after cramming for a chem test that maybe this fucking tough road I’m on is leading me somewhere I don’t even want to be.  That possibly deep down I know it is not actually what I want. I feel like I’m trying desperately to be something I’m not.

 I recently had some testing done for test anxiety and learned that I supposedly am ADHD as well as have post-traumatic stress due to a car accident I was in at the age of 16. I would like to say that the woman that diagnosed me is a buffoon but lest she’s not…..

She made a lot of sense. In fact the whole post-traumatic stress stuff really hit a chord in me. The car wreck taught me a lot about living a life worth living, but most of all it taught me how fragile everyone is; especially my parents. As a child you never can imagine your parents passing away. But, that cold night in December as cars spun all around my mother and I, I suddenly understood that I’m alone. They can’t be there for me all the time.

This is why I’ve always pushed myself even if it is in a direction I’m not comfortable taking. I’m always preparing for making sure that I’m cared for, that I’m self-sustaining if the inevitable happens. Because that snow laden evening left me drenched in the cold, alone.

Tears on the Steering Wheel

I’m angry today. Full-on rage material. My insides are churning, my mind is spinning, and I keep catching myself clenching my fists as if some unforeseen attacker is approaching. I’m ready to brawl with anyone so they better watch out. Nothing and I mean nothing is going as planned, I’ve studied my ass off for o-chem but can only manage C’s on all the exams, Genetics is a fucking waste of time (got an exam tomorrow, hooooooray!), and I’m so damn tired of running around never accomplishing everything on my to-do list.

 Most of all I hate that I’m so anxiety ridden in exams that I can’t even function in everyday life anymore. I’ve contacted some people at the University for help with this issue and have honestly come up with nothing….they just monitor my pulse rate and say, “oh, wow even imagining exams makes your heart race”. No shit…I could have told them that. I took a practice entrance exam for grad school and fucked that up royally. I felt like breaking into deep, shoulder shuddering sobs as soon as it wrapped up. I want so many things but just keep not being good enough.

I called my mom today and got the usual. The same rushed and rude attitude she is so inclined to taking. I took some of my anger out on her (shouldn’t have but did) because I’m so tired of people not listening to me! God, I’m human too can’t I just have a bad day??? I feel like the world is collapsing around me and I’m just standing around waiting for some scrap metal to ram be in the head and finally put me out of my misery.

There are very few days that I can remember sitting at my kitchen counter crying shamefully. Today will be one of those days because I’ve had it. Mark my words by the end of the day I will either be breaking down in my car or in my kitchen it’s only a matter of time.

Lost in a Sea of Sleep

I have slept ungodly amounts for the past three days. I’m not exactly sure why either, I’ve just been  much happier staying in bed.  School blows, I’m beginning to wish that I had some sort of social life of some kind. So instead of bitching about it I’ve gone out a couple times this week  to attempt socializing with others of my same species…weird right? I had a visitor come to my house too! He stayed for a long time….and my tongue was kind of tired when he left. Hint, Hint I had a good time hahah. Unfortunately, I’m sure he will just return to his ex-girlfriend which is cool, whatever. It would be cool if I cared but my soul is sort of a black hole anymore.

I’m still really happy, a little stressed about the remaining weeks of the semester but I’m still having a pretty good time. So, I guess I have no real complaints. Odd….the planet must be off kilter cause that’s not right. J

I took a practice entrance exam today and about pissed myself. Shit, it was hard and my score certainly reflected that! I have a lot of work to do to prepare for applying this year….if that is what I choose to do. Hmm…well I’m going to go take a nap. Didn’t see that one coming now did ya?

p.s. I realize that my writing skills really blow right now, unfortunately you are not going to see a change in them for a while...so get used to how shitty this is.

A Smelly Rodent Trapped on A Wheel

I find it rather odd when you take a second to notice how everyone else around you has decided to carry on their lives for the last few months or years. College has done a funny thing to me; it is supposed to make you a more “well-rounded” individual. In some ways I do agree with that statement and in others I really wonder if I am missing out on much more.  I went home this weekend to spend some time with my family for fall break and without planning to do so; I realized that everyone around me have changed.

I spent some time with my dad and honestly felt rather worried. He is incredibly forgetful, to the extent that someone needs to say something. I have noticed this trend of forgetfulness honestly since the day I first packed my shit and went to college but it is becoming noticeable and quite frightening. No one, and I mean no one takes me seriously. He has also left his post as the strongest, most valiant, and smartest male in my life….not that he has been replaced but he has shriveled to an older, more feeble version of himself. What strikes fear into me is that although he has lived a rather physical life he has mainly taxed his brain, almost on an hourly basis. I worry that I too am choosing a field that may potentially cause premature aging and forgetfulness due to the stress it entails. Mainly, this whole weekend has been eye-opening and sad. What am I to do when one of the only people in this world that understands me is shrinking physically as well as mentally right before my eyes? It has been too much to take.

I decided to spend time with my best friend from high school, and although I hate to admit it I had a small tinge of jealousy towards her. She has failed out of multiple universities, has no real academic plans, and answers phones for 8$ an hour. Why am I envious? Because in any other aspect she has her shit together, she discussed her relationship with a male (who already has a child from a previous relationship) that she will most likely get married to. It sounded like a lovely relationship….and then I met him and knew that that was exactly what it was. It wasn’t a pseud. I’m 100% happy for my friend and told her to roll with whatever happened with all of this but that I better look damn good standing in line at her wedding.  I just couldn’t help wondering wtf is wrong with me? Why have I never had a real relationship? I’ve begun to realize that some of these middle of the road average people are finding happiness, and I’m left saying to myself “ you’ll be happy just get through this semester/year/class/hour/etc.” . I’m beginning to think that those people that take a break right before college or right before graduate school are a whole hell of a lot smarter than me. I would love to be a secretary for $8 an hour…..I have problems.

Then while my friend and I checked out some groceries at the local super market I noticed a girl that we had both gone to school with next in line. Her stomach grazed the spinning counter as she heaved groceries onto it. I too felt as if I might heave. That’s right she was pregnant….so I couldn’t just feel jealous that my friend was apparently moving on and probably getting married. Oh no, I had to see the whole marriage and a baby carriage bull shit in one afternoon. It’s is not that I want to be married or have kids or any of that I just wonder if one day I will wake up and say, “fuck they chose the right path”.

Then I spent some time with my brother, who I am happy to say has grown up a ton. He is far more compassionate towards others and may have his giant head a little closer to earth. (Thank god!) He has had a busy fall participating in multiple high school sports which makes me proud because I worried that he had absolutely zero initiative. Ends up I was majorly wrong, which makes me incredibly happy. Since I’m on this whole being honest jag I guess I will admit that coming home just isn’t the same anymore. I love my brother, and the rest of my family but I feel a disconnect from them when I do come home. They have a bunch of inside jokes and my brother has comfortably taken the royal seat. Oh, did I forget to mention that the sun rises and sets on him?

I’m an outsider in their home. It’s interesting to reflect on this because I remember when I first felt this way, the first time I returned from college. I was dejected, upset, and lost. When I felt that this time I realized that it was because I had actually made connections at college, I missed them and the ordinariness that is my life. I like having a routine, eating the same things every day at the school store (because there is nothing else to eat on campus!....and by all means I will NOT lose that awesome parking spot). I like being myself and reading magazines that my parents may not think highly of….I guess I’m branching out and finding what makes me truly content instead of following what others have told me will make me happy.

I’m not sure where I was going with any of this…. Maybe if I reflect on it for a few days I may be able to draw some sort of meaning behind all of this rambling I just took part in. Until then, I got nothin’.

Sometimes Your Best is Good Enough

I began by trying to write a poem and then scrapped that because poems have never been my thing (aka it sucked beyond all reason… a chimp could have done a better job). Anyway, my life has pretty much been the same. I’ve finished my first genetics exam which I ended up with a D on….funny that the average was that too but the professor sees no problem with that. She apparently can’t do math either because I’m getting a B in the class….I’m not sure how that works and I don’t think I’m going to take anytime out of my day to draw attention to it. I’ve managed to take my second O-chem exam which I’m fairly sure I tanked. I got a B on the previous one so I guess we will all have to sit on the edge of our seats to see how that goes. 

I know I had previously (as in many months ago) mentioned that over the summer I felt as if my hometown had “healed” me, almost as if the amazing self that had set up camp in the hills had finally returned home. I had initially feared that this sense of clarity or deep inner peace would escape me once again and I would be a mindless student droid drooling and slowly causing degenerative damage to my lower back (thanks a ton back pack, I’m sure the higher education and therefore better pay check will be spent on the damage you expensive-ass book carrier have caused). I am here to tell you that, although this has and probably will continue to be the most intense semester of my life, I’ve maintained a level of happiness that I had never experienced in my hell hole of a college town before.

I really have been and plan to continue to be happy because I’m tired of being drained. I’m tired of nothing that I do being good enough for my own standards…which is why when I received that D I didn’t break down in a fit of tears like the previous version of myself would have I honestly laughed and took a second to evaluate why one exam score or one class would affect my overall life. I’m still going to eat tomorrow, I still have a home, I still have ice cream in the freezer, what else is there that is needed???

I’ve also made some neat relationships with people (mainly because we are so damn stressed out that we have no time to speak to anyone but each other). I feel as if things are looking up. Once again, I hope all is well in Cyber Land :D

Nomenclature, you Skank, YOU!

 So, I know I haven’t said anything for a long time. I apologize. Now that that is out of the way I can begin to tell what it is that I have been up to. Well, I spend every night with my head in my O-chem book trying to make sense of bond-line structures, isomers, resonance structures and this horrible thing known as nomenclature. I assumed that nomenclature in o-chem would be just as easy as in general chemistry well I will be the first to inform you that it’s not. It’s a bitch; A growling, snarling, snapping, dictator of a concept. If you are thinking slit my wrists now you are on the correct path. I took my first exam Friday and have no idea how that went….in years past the average is a D so I’m clinging to a scraggly hope for a C. Honest, if I got a C I would probably go out and get myself a chocolate sundae.

Second, I have been attempting to pay attention in a genetics class with the most bizarre women as the professor. She seriously does not make any sense or follow the syllabus at all, the only good thing is that if you are smart and show up to her “review” you get the answers to all the homework problems. Hooray! Cause I don’t have the time to even read the chapter let alone get any form of actual knowledge from it. Yeah, I’m going to fail the first exam. Whatever.

Third, I attempted to set up a contractual agreement with a male baseball player after an impromptu make out session in the middle of the day. Yeah I had only met him two other times….wait maybe I am a skank?? Hahahah nah I just knew the first week I had time to enjoy myself a little. Since, I knew that the rest of the semester I would never get to see people ever again unless we were talking about pushing electrons and why something can depronate something else. Not really something you bring up between licking someone’s ear or having your ass grabbed, just sayin. So, since I am 100% honest and upfront all the time I just said it. I wanted a booty call a bon a fide make out buddy. Yup, just as I’m sure you have expected I never got called again. I don’t get it why it is so hard to just make out with someone without having all of the chains of a relationship. I’m lazy and have no time!!!! Why can’t the male species see that….hmm I think I’m a little backwards.

Lastly, I had my first sports event for the weekend. I did horrible and the last night I saw a horse break its leg. Amidst how awful the actual breaking of the leg was the worst part to stomach was watching my friend and team mate completely collapse in a fit of screaming and tears. It still shakes me four days later. I’ve had the hardest time focusing in school (even though I am buried in homework) because watching that all unfold and me being the person to take charge and care for the horse really brought me back to what is important in life and how fragile each and everyone one of us are.  I would love to share the rest of this story because I do need to get it off my chest but once again time is an issue. I need a shower, need to complete a lab assignment, and need to attempt to clear up my pizza acne face, oh, and at some point invest in some sleep. I hope all is well out in the sea of internet!

Taking One Day at A Time

It’s funny how sometimes people say exactly what you need them to. A midst this whole talking to the stupid guy again I had my dad say something that really made me rethink even speaking to the idiot all over again. First off the guy decided to in great detail tell me how gorgeous he thinks I am and how I had basically ruined his life because he never could get me….and then when I tried to set up actually meeting with him he is nowhere to be found! He makes me out to be some clingy psycho! A couple unanswered text messages later and I told him I was done with all of the bullshit that goes a long with him. And there goes his final chance. At least he can never pin on me that I didn’t try.

 Anyway, so I’m driving home with my dad and somehow we get talking about people and how I’ve basically given up on them. I truly have. I’ve started to accept and even allow people that I don’t necessarily agree with around me. My dad honestly got mad. He told me that he didn’t want me to start being a push over and just taking what I can get. He told me to never settle. It’s funny when people start saying things that are so congruent with your own life. He knows nothing about what is happening in my other life yet he knows just what to say to clear up any worries I have.

I’m working on having a better attitude regarding my return to school. I’m not there yet but I’m certainly working on it.  Sometimes you just have to take one day at a time. J

A Screw Must Be Loose

I’m starting to feel crazy. The sudden pressure of reality is making my brain feel like it’s caving in. I’m supposed to return to school this coming weekend (fml) and then the following weekend be ready to compete for my college team. This sounds pretty neat except the fact that I’m taking O-Chem on top of attempting to qualify for nationals again and maintaining a high enough gpa to apply for grad school. Oh, and just plain passing O-chem would be nice too! I haven’t  packed, haven’t even allowed myself to think about packing because I just want to cry when I start. I hate school, I hate my college campus, I hate the college town I live in, and I hate the back stabbing, egocentric, liars for people that fill the town. So, I’m supposed to put a smile on my face and jump face first into a pit of vipers. Hooray!!!!!

I feel as if my home town and specifically my family are like a therapy center. I come in all jacked up on life, saying obscenities under my breath (and many times a loud), scantily clad and hating the world. Then a few short months later I leave smiling and singing with the birds around me (queue the scene with Pocahontas). I’m an incredibly independent soul but there is something about their lifestyle and lack of judgment that allows me to return to the calm individual I generally am. I don’t want to lose the me that I have finally (FINALLY!!!) rediscovered via this three month escape from reality but, I know that I can no longer prolong this awesome retreat I’ve taken. I guess I’ll just have to let life smack me in the face and then run me over a few times (Of course with a smile on my face, because showing weakness is something that I’ve never been okay with).

It seems like I can never escape the drama that is “Big Red Boy” either. After he had apologized to me I decided that maybe he deserved a second chance, at least as a friend. Well two days later I learned a lot about what had actually happened to us….ends up we both felt dejected and rejected in regards to one another, but we both still had a thing for each other. I of course did not fully disclose this because deep down I know he is still the idiot that I wrote off sometime ago. Why get all emotionally attached? Uhh, I’m not. Plus, does it sound like I am going to have the time? But, nonetheless I am meeting him the day I return to maybe rekindle some sense of okay-ness (that’s right I made that word up) between each other.  I’m not even sure that I know why I’m doing this. I already know it is going to be a huge failure….but maybe just maybe I can admit sometimes I don’t mind the company. Maybe I enjoy being kissed. GASP! Or, here is a stretch held...wait it gets better...desired?

Hopefully next post I'm thinking a little clearer. I can only hope :)

dick check please?

Well I was going to write a wonderfully awesome blog about how my life is full of gum drops and care bears, oh and smiles but a family blow out is cool too. I seriously have had the most awesome week, I’ve had people in great distress say some of the most powerful and impressionable things to me, and I’ve taken some time to glance at the stars, take a deep breath, and lean back while proudly gazing at the gargantuan windmill that rests on my parents property. Sometimes the oddest things make me grin.

BUT, of course I couldn’t just enjoy myself. Nope I walked in the door to find my mother and brother in a blazing argument again over my brother’s attitude. Hello God Complex! No shit, I mean it he is incredibly rude to just about everyone but most of all his family. It’s hard to believe that he even was upset that I was ever moving away because it sure seems like he hates me now….well the feeling is becoming incredibly mutual. I swear if I hear, “go back to college” one more time a frying pan is going to go sailing through the air at him. I’m an incredibly calm and easy going person too. My parents actually asked me to take him around my college town because they were thinking of having him live with me, two days with the new ass hole that has invaded his body and I was sure I was going to find a way to drop out of school so there was no reason for me to return there.

Did I ever mention that I hate teenagers….Seriously there are far more important things in life than you, I swear that the world does not revolve around your dumb ass problems. I’m hoping that one day he may wake up and realize this, time will tell (keep your fingers crossed for me too!)

The thing that I most of all don’t understand about some people is their reasoning behind throwing out statements that 100% destroy the other person. Umm dick check please? Yup, he has managed to completely tear down my mom…and then walks back into the house like nothing ever happened. Whoa, uhh crazy shit just went down for a three hours…wait maybe it didn’t? Am I insane?

Forever the “Crazy Cat Lady”?

            I recently heard wonderful news that two dear friends of mine have decided to take the plunge and get engaged. I am incredibly happy for them (although I will never understand the whole idea of getting married before even having a clue how you plan to support yourself…this is none of my business of course). I am still very happy for them and thought maybe I will be able to say that I’ve been a bridesmaid…because I’ve never been one. The prospect of this left me feeling giddy, an emotion I don’t generally feel overwhelmed by. But, because there is always a but, I started to think about my own romantic relationships (really it’s a lack thereof).

                About a week ago my own mother happened to pull me aside and say that I have no real communication skills with the opposite sex. She told me that she had watched and noticed that I was incredibly kind to them, held a conversation well and never crossed any boundaries (which is exactly my problem) but I never showed any body language that showed I was interested in them. There have been plenty of times people decide to inform me that strangers are “checking me out”. I seem to be in a haze all the time and apparently have no idea what “checking” someone out is or knowing how to identify being checked out. I’ve been aware that I am a complete idiot in this regard but have no idea how to go about showing interest. I’m incredibly slow, it takes days before a light bulb goes on and I realize that guys even wanted to talk to me.

                So, my mom expressed great concern that I may never even get married. Dun, Dun, Dun…..I had at first laughed it off just like I laughed off my horrible Christmas break that seemed to be teeming with this very issue. Grandparents, my parents friends, and then even my own father bombarded me with comments that were supposed to encourage me to “keep looking”, “someone great is out there for you” and the like. I had never been worried or honestly even cared until we were driving back home after visiting the third relative that had mentioned something and then my own father chimed in with them (talk about embarrassing). I wanted to keep living and act as if it had never happened but I haven’t been able to. It haunts me that one day I’ll have accomplished all of these wonderful educational and career related goals and then have no one to “share” it with.

                This leads me into my awkward, backwards, stumbled upon, supposed flirting. It always seems like an act where I’m just waiting for someone to call cut because the stage lights are making me break out into a sweat. It’s never easy for me. I have no issues with myself; I just never know what to say to people. It seems to me like if I were to really try and turn the charm or sex appeal on people would just sputter and chuckle spitting all of their drink out like kids do. I honestly don’t think I would be able to keep a straight face as well. When friends began telling me that men were never aware of my liking them I started to take a new approach by just saying it (haha I’ve always been known for being blunt…mostly just because it’s easier than dancing around the subject) Yeah, that didn’t work either. For some reason just saying, “hey, I’m interested in you” or “hey, I like you” makes men run for the hills. (Shit if only those notes passed in first grade would work in the real world. I’m a huge fan of the note where you check if you want to be friends or date or what have you…kids are brilliant)

                So, I’m left wondering how or if I should attempt to even adapt or if somewhere along the line someone will just understand that I’m an idiot. At this point it looks as if I’m going to be a crazy cat lady for the rest of my life. Just keep your fingers crossed that I don’t become so insane that I start hurling my dozens of cats at people. (Oh, and I don’t actually have cats in case you’re wondering.)

So it goes...

         The last couple of days have been crazy and I don’t mean drinking, making out with strangers crazy. It’s been somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster (oh and the whole being incredibly sick the last couple of days didn’t help either).
             Well it all began when I was driving home from my fabulous vacation. I received a message from the very boy (I meant boy…the emotional immaturity is astounding) that inspired the “Big Red” post.  He out of the blue decided to text me and let me know how sorry he was for being such a dick and that he thought I was and I quote, “an exceptional woman”. (god I hate liars, especially when they lie just to puff the other person up when they only plan to tear them down….uhh waste of time much?) I told him all about how I had accepted an earlier apology that he had given me and that I had moved on…all of which is entirely true. Then I decided to ask him what had really happened between us, because unfortunately it is a part of my (epic fail of a) history.  Shockingly he had quite the insight and covered all the aspects of his immaturity and carelessness. Hmm wow I think a chimp could have picked up on that but none the less I’ll accept his sudden insight into himself. The only thing worth hearing was that he couldn’t handle that I had never believed him, which is entirely true. I challenged everything he said because I was sure it was a lie (a lot of it was but I never did give him any break either). I of course covered how he lived two separate lives and with someone that does that how could I believe anything.  We parted ways once again with me admitting my defeat in the whole situation because I got tired of trying to figure out who he really is, which I’m certain he is not aware of any way.
            Traveling right along, then I went to lunch with my brother and (Surprise!) my sister that I haven’t seen in a year and a half. The relationship between my sister and I is a rather tense, strained, etc. relationship that I broke off just like the previous tale. A year ago I confronted her (which is not my style because I’m the largest pansy on the planet) and told her about how I knew exactly what she was, a drug addict. I cut her out of my life just like the itchy, irritating tag on a brand new shirt. The worst part was I never and still don’t feel bad about it. She always envied and disliked me and I thought she was a ruthless, egocentric, barbarian of a sibling ……so it goes.
             I’ve had a very hard time even accepting she is my sibling after I had to pick up my destroyed parents, a job that should not but often is left on the next oldest child. The worst part of this whole ordeal was that while I went home and nursed my parents back to health I passed her everyday at my high school (because she worked there) not being acknowledged once. Bitch Please!
          Anyway, so here we are eating together in this nasty diner with her permanently infantized (that’s right I just made that word up, just roll with it) boyfriend and I’m struggling to find anything to talk to her about.  I felt like I had taken some random homeless person of the street and said, “Hey come in and have something to eat.” See but I wouldn’t have intense and deeply driven rage towards a homeless person so I’m sure that would have been easier.  I’m such a horrible person but as I swirled the fries around on my plate the only thing I could look at on her were her grotesque teeth and full on uni-brow.  I’m generally attempting humor when I blog but, (surprise!) here I’m not so hear me out. I had this rush of sadness that overwhelmed me for the rest of the evening. My sibling was falling apart before my very eyes. She looked pale, unkept, just like she were coming off a long run of being on something. The worst part was when she finally decided to get up from the table and expose what little is left of her. Bones jut out everywhere like the images of eating disorder victims that fill all of those documentaries they made you watch in high school. I felt like crying right there on the spot but still couldn’t embrace her because of a previous incident where she completely and publicly disowned my family.
              I know I should grow up and make good with her while it looks like she is still around (even if it may be a partially drug induced relationship) but it hit me while I looked at her she actually was happy exactly where she is at. Who am I to question or judge what makes her happy? The strongest feeling hit me came as we hugged, her jagged hips against my healthy frame, was that I had written her off not to be done with her because it was an annoying relationship rather I did it for myself. As selfish as it sounds I don’t want a “real” relationship with her because she’s on the fast track to dying. I also don’t want to jam a relationship down her throat when she hates me to begin with….although we all know that’s a cover up. I cut her off and will continue to cut her off because I already know that when she finally falls completely apart or dies I’ll be the one helping everyone else through it. Something I don’t entirely enjoy but handle well. I can’t let myself really love someone that I can already tell I’ll need to console everyone else over…..which I’m sure makes no sense to anyone so sorry about the blabbering.
            Any way it was an interesting last couple of days that had me wondering why it is that I find myself cutting people off to begin with. I also had a far deeper understanding of why I was drawn to the earlier mentioned male, it was an attempt to replicate but save someone from a similar life as my own sibling. Twisted I’m aware….both ended up being total failures on my part and do keep me up at night. I swear I didn’t sign on for this.

Bein’ a Bug

I’ve been gone for a while now thanks to a much needed vacation. Got some nice sight-seeing in and for the first time in a very long time I was able to sit back and let everyone else around me manage the logistics of getting from point A to point B. (wow that was a long, and rather dumb sentence) I stumbled upon a realization while traveling the great states though. It came to me while I stuffed my face full of potato chips and oreo cookies, pinned against the door of our ford. I’ve never really lived. I know that sounds stupid and maybe a little cliché to some, but honest I feel like my entire life I’ve just watched. The saying that you just want to “be a fly on the wall” when such and such happens or so and so meets the other so and so is how I’ve spent my life. Bizarre right? I thought so.

Everything I do (I do it big...hahah sorry I had to),  I imagine viewing it from one of those giant windows (as seen on tv) that opens into a room where people sit and watch surgeries take place. The people are generally all tense and anxious but can’t do anything about what is taking place in the actual surgery room…yup that’s my life. (Thanks a lot Grey’s Anatomy and my childhood watching ER for giving me that visual) I believe that’s why I completely avoid confrontation because I’m not even in there! I make

  each day a to-do list and accomplish all of those things and then have nothing. It’s entirely

possible that I have some pride tinkering inside my hollow shell, but other than that nothing.

                Some time ago I made a bucket list (hasn’t everyone since that movie came out?) and I didn’t do it to be all trendy and whatever cause I never even told anyone I had one….well until now. Anyway, one of the items on my list was to visit a psychic and over two years ago I fulfilled that. I was having a wonderful time having this terrifying woman eyeing me, her one eye completely askew while the other was trained on me like a sniper. She was telling me all these things that are entirely true about me and then she asked me who I was. I remember my blood pressure increased some, because honestly how do you answer that? I remained cool though and nonchalantly listed a bunch of my hobbies and what not. She quickly interrupted me and said, “You don’t know who you are, do you?” I stared blankly into her eyes…well sort of I stared at the one eye a while and then switched to the other (hell I didn’t know which one worked). Anyway, back to what I was trying to get at I still have no idea who I am and how to break the glass in that stupid room and come careening into my own life.

                I just have a feeling that most people know what they get up for in the morning and I have yet to really put my finger on what it is that drives me. I just know that I need to take a more active approach in my life instead of rolling over and letting people do and say what they want to me. Plus, I’m so quiet most people think I’m a bitch.  Honestly I don’t want to be a bitch or a bug. Is that too much to ask?

Big Red

            It had only been the second week of college and a beast known as ones first kiss continued to breathe down my neck. I walked the campus quietly searching for answers in each persons face. Was it odd that I had never even attempted to kiss someone? Was it unusual that it had never really crossed my mind until I had reached adulthood? And the sudden realization that everyone else around me had experienced it scared the shit out of me. These feelings could only be explained by the sudden feeling that someone was interested in me, and I knew that could only lead to one thing.

                I had initially met his friend while at a dance. I aggressively and suggestively danced with, what I later came to find out was a very recently returned missionary. Needless to say the very attractive one that I had danced with was not the one that really (as it seemed to me) fell for me. Although the story with this kid later becomes quite the entanglement in itself (of course for a later time). Anyway, my dance moves may have shocked the return missionary enough to fear me but certainly not enough to forget about me. I later was introduced to his friend that eagerly went everywhere with him. Almost like an odd but still funny side-kick. This side-kick was incredibly charming, but strange. The oddness actually became one of his best features along with his dazzling grill of front teeth.  Because I was a naïve little girl from a rather sheltered background (well except the whole my sister being on drugs all the time thing), when I continually ran into the man with the wonderful smile I began thinking that fate had brought us together (god just the thought makes me gag violently…I truly was an idiot).

               

                The story continues with texting and talking to each other often in the school’s campus lounge. Flirtatious banter filled the dingy room, strangling any possibility of actually studying. Then one night as I lay strewn across my friend’s nasty apartment carpet my phone lit up and shook fiercely. I quickly snatched the phone and flipped the cover open (yes because I had a piece of shit phone…laugh it up chuckles). The screen flashed with a new text message from, as he would later be known as “Douche Daniel”. The message said, “Hey, wanna make out?” The first thing to happen was that I tossed the phone a short distance from me while I thought. My emotions went wild. Shock, fear, anger, shock again, and then an odd sense of clarity. I had no real attachments to said individual in fact at the time I didn’t even really like him. Suddenly a plan took a hold of me that now I wish I had never conceived. Why could I not at least kiss this individual just to have it be said and done? My first kiss would be filed away like last year’s school pictures only to be brought out and looked at or remembered for a second.

                Long story short we met up in a school parking lot fifteen minutes later. I in my recently purchased F-250 truck and he on a small blue scooter he borrowed from a friend to cruise around town.  We anxiously chatted for sometime before he began speaking in Spanish ( a language I should know since I spent most of my childhood summers in Mexico, but of course only managed to learn to count to ten and ask where the bathroom was).  We eventually left each other without even touching. I was angry at his being such a pansy. Not two seconds later I received yet another text that said, “I really, really wanted to kiss you.” (And now queue the vomiting). I angrily wrote back, “Well I don’t live with regrets.” He of course took that as a challenge which then really had me frightened.  

                We were once again on for this kiss…I drove around frantically worrying what my breath smelled like and if I was going to get all sweaty because of the nerves. I cranked the AC and made a real quick stop into a Maverick where I purchased a large pack of Big Red gum. I demolished multiple pieces in hopes of that my entire mouth would have a coating of cinnamon that would wow and take away from my lack of experience.

                I drove to the location and parked like a sixteen year old that had never parked before, scurried to the tailgate of my truck where I laid it down and quickly hurled myself onto its rippled edge to sit and wait. While I was waiting I reviewed e-mails I had received using my shitty little phone, then I heard him approach, stop, and kill the engine. I continued to act completely engrossed in my phone as if I were studying for some insurmountable exam. He leapt onto a spot next to me, where I then explained that we were sitting on my truck (uhhh duh!). Before I knew what was happening he full on jammed his gargantuan, slimy, and forceful tongue into my mouth.  It was one of the worst experiences of my life; I later learned using other males instead of this idiot that he was to blame not me. In fact I’m complimented often on my amazing technique which only makes me blush and laugh coyly.

                As his tongue continued to do somersaults and back hand springs along my hard palate, I caught myself thinking how awful it really was but how wonderful the cinnamon tasted. Odd, I know. I remember driving off that night hopelessly confused as to how that was any fun. I swore I was going to gag at any moment during the process. I should have taken this experience and ran with it, far, far, away from him but of course I spent my freshman year and even some of my sophomore year over thinking each conversation and of course this night until I swore I had every moment we ever had together memorized. I was strung along by him for a long time even though I knew deep down he was never anything I was honestly interested in, it just seemed like the normal thing to do.

                I later found out he was far more bizarre then I had ever given him credit for and actually quite dangerous. He’s currently on a ton of drugs and still finds reasons to approach me while on campus when really I just want to act like we never met. Maybe some other time I’ll take a moment to detail the terrible things he did and how I just kept going back like one of those battered women I said I would never be. But, honestly after lamenting this memory and him I’m rather bored. I just needed to tell this tale to get it off my chest.

                In short, my first kiss did not teach me how to kiss, it did not lead to some wonderfully romantic relationship filled with fun and respect, and it didn’t get me any closer to feeling more like an adult. Rather, my first kiss reminded me to begin picking up Big Red gum at the convenience stores once in awhile. That shit is awesome.

Skin Upon Skin

Skin upon skin,

The smell of temptation,

Cringe of an all too new sensation,

Worries bombard,

As lips unite,

Dark enrapturing each,

Bodies become moist,

Hairs quietly rise along the nape of a neck,

The glow of a distant television trickling soft pulsing light,

Fingers delicately tracing,

Outlines of an earlier time,

Differences in pigments only known to the light,

Animalistic behaviors take harness,

Licking, teasing, biting,

Hands grasping at flesh,

Acceptance,

A tongue glides teasingly along the delicate ridge of an ear,

Calloused hand tenderly, gingerly seeks further,

A rhythm begins,

Each enveloping the others body as if it were their own,

And then without warning the energy fades,

An eery silence is all that remains,

Two strangers dress quietly in the dark,

The woman questioning if there is something more,

The man trying to escape,

Lies are exchanged with no one sane there to document,

Two strangers that will pass each other often,

Each knowing the bend and curvature of the other,

The locations that encounter grand sensation,

The only words to be remembered a lie,

Whispered in the dark,

An energy which dies in the light,

A word never passes lips,

Each carries on,

The previous venture seen only as a dream,

The scars that emblazon one,

 Few have seen,

But this stranger got the chance to see,

When skin was upon skin.

Feeling an Inner Peace Only Doing NOTHING All Day Could Bring :D

Spent the entire day accomplishing a whole bunch of nothin'. I spent most of the day reading a book about surviving my twenties since this age I seem to be struggling with. So much overwhelming pressure to become something is just about enough to make me pull my hair out! It actually provided me with one thing (I'm not finished with the book so hopefully I gain more then this nugget of knowledge), it provided me with this whole idea of taking a moment to relax and quit over thinking things. I am the master of overthinking things. I've spent this whole year asking myself exactly why I'm doing what I'm doing, where I'm going, and if I really think this path I'm on is right. There are many times I'm enjoying myself and then catch this creeping feeling that keeps saying, " whoa! What are you doing? Why are you here?" I'm in no way shape or form religious either so these questions were not going to be answered with the use of any historical text. ANY WAY, this book basically has told me to relax and take some time to smell the roses......wow and how much did I spend on this book? I swear my parents and grandparents have said that fifteen times.

Once again I've found another day that the obvious parts of life I seem to skim over until months later they smack me in the face. Hahahah wow what a great life!

Cleaning Out the Ass Holes in Ones Life

I had a complete realization today that sometimes people just are no good for you. I've somehow managed to loose my cell phone between the seats of the ol' gas guzzler and honestly I haven't really put in a real effort to find it. The last 48 hours have been the best I've had in quite sometime. Tons of time to reflect and read awesome books! (something I generally never take part in...cause I'm an idiot lol) But, it has also given me the time to realize what a complete waste of time facebook is, specifically the part where you remain friends with people that have completely taken a shit on you. I'm not sure if deleting them makes you feel like you have failed and said yes I finally publicly admit that I dislike you immensely or what, but it isn't healthy. Neither is the whole clicking through thousands of images of people you don't really know or don't care about. Your eyes glazing over wondering why your own personal life isn't as exciting as they seem to make theirs look like. Hmm....I just started to say to myself there is a reason why I love and I mean love my life but don't feel like taking a zillion photos to prove it to others. (maybe I'm odd? or maybe I just want to have a little privacy in my life?)

Any way, now I've gotten completely off subject. Basically, what I'm saying is keep those that are close to you and honestly care about you close. Share your life with them and kindly smile and delete (electronically and in a physical/emotional way)  those that seem to always shit on you. I can find dozens of people that just use and abuse....kind of  leaves ya wondering if genetics has so kindly weeded out the people with a soul only leaving those not afraid to climb on top of and whisper lies to others to get to the top. Well maybe they are the fittest and deserve to live since they are designed to only care about themselves. Sad day :(

Blogging about an Ordinary boring ass life just like your own...enjoy

So here I am in my second year of college wondering wtf I am doing. I already have my associates because as a high school student I decided to be an overachieving idiot....emphasis on idiot and now here I am hating every minute of college. Its a never ending battle of trying to reach the top, hmm sounds a bit like high school aye? Accept many of the high school jocks, sluts and overall popular girls are married, balding, or a combination of both. Hello Rogaine!

With every passing day I get up and try to remind myself why I'm doing what I'm even doing (dear god don't let me work at taco bell like the other failures from my high school class). And yet, you may say oh how sad she just hasn't tried to fit in. That my dear friend is bullshit. I've joined tons of campus clubs (all lack any organization at all and they generally begin with an enthusiastic leader who brings donuts to one well planned event and then never follows through again), I've attempted a run at campus government positions yeah got screwed over in that department....although not literally, and even took a run at being one of those people that give campus tours of their beautiful and loved campus (oh, right maybe in the interview they felt how much I hate the place and fall asleep hoping that when I return the next day something odd like all the chairs are gone, imagine the mass chaos. Fully educated people in a panic over missing chairs)

So, lest I continue to achieve some ill concieved dream that a final exam and an extensive interview process may never even let me be a part of. To think people actually regard me as smart...pfff if only they knew. Well thats as much as I have to say, don't even get me started on how much I'm beginning to hate people.